I just got back from a 30-day meditation retreat at Karmê Chöling.

Did I miss anything?

My grandfather used to wear an Irish woolen cap. When he died, I inherited it. It quickly became my most prized posession, and I wore it everywhere. About a year ago, it disappeared one day while I was working as a substitute teacher at Coventry High School. I checked all the rooms I worked in that day, and couldn't find it. I checked in at the school's "lost & found" repeatedly for weeks if not months afterward. It never turned up, and I finally gave it up for lost.

Today was my last day working at CHS -- I start my new job in Providence tomorrow. But what did I see sitting on the couch in the Science department faculty lunch room today, but my grandfather's hat! It looks a bit more worn than it did when I lost it, it's badly in need of cleaning, and it's got a little rip that needs repair, but it's definitely the same hat.

It's possible it turned up in some obscure place in the science department, and the person who found it left it out for the owner to find. It's also possible that one of the students I recently told about how sad I still was a year later about having lost my grandfather's hat knew where it ended up and got it back for me. I'll probably never know, but I'm glad to have it back.

Recently someone suggested that I pick up a copy of Make: magazine. I did so, and heartily recommend it to you as well. The bulk of the magazine consists of recipes for building various gadgets. The issue I picked up features a very nice water rocket design, a backyard zipline strong enough to carry fat guys, an electricity-generating windmill made from junkyard parts, a working miniature pulsejet engine made from a jelly jar, as well as numerous smaller projects.

It's fun reading even if you don't build the stuff. The reactions I've gotten by showing it to students in the last couple of days suggest it may be a good way for me to get my students fired up about learning physics and engineering principles.

Of course, I'll have to be careful. That jamjet for example looks mighty dangerous.

I borrowed my brother's laptop to use as a word processor in the hope of getting some job applications out during downtime in the meditation program. It's set up in my room. I brought my cell phone into the room to use it as an alarm clock.

Somewhat to my horror, they both seem to have connectivity. The phone company must have expanded their cell service in this area, and the meditation center staff's wireless network is unsecured.

I think I'm just going to close my web browser down and pretend like I don't have net access, and turn the cell phone's ringer off completely, because if I'm going to spend my time gweeping and chatting on a cell phone I might as well not come here in the first place.

I've been running around like crazy trying to get everything packed for my trip while simultaneously working out some way to recover and print out the resumes and applications I had on my computer's hard drive. It's over an hour past the time I planned to leave at this point, and I'm at my brother's house (adding a half hour to my drive time).

The hard drive? It's making dead hard drive noises.

At least I had the sense to call in last night and say I wouldn't be at school today. I wouldn't have gotten any sleep if I'd tried to fit that in too.

This is bad. I haven't made a back up of much other than photographs in months - probably not since I upgraded the hard drive in the fall. (Unless you count the files I backed up to a thumb drive which I proceeded to lose at the high school - I don't think those count.) The best I'll be able to do is get the old backups and possibly mount the old hard drive in the external case. So not only so I need a new computer, but I've lost several months accumulation of files, writings, etc.

I thought I was going to be sending out job appications before this trip, but now the best I'll be able to do is to try to find time to write and send them while I'm also coordinating a Shambhala Training program. I'm not expecting that to work out very well. What free time I have as coordinator should really be spent in sitting meditation if I'm going to be effective.

I think I just have to quit messing with the computer at this point and concentrate on running this meditation program. I'll be off-line until April 23. If you want to get in touch with me, call my cell phone and leave a voice message. Meanwhile, if you've got an old PC you're not using, I could use a donation right about now. I suspect Hotblack wouldn't take kindly to being asked to run MS Word under Windows XP, so even though he's still around I really can't use him as a fallback.

Does anyone here know much about laptop hard drives? My laptop (a Compaq Armada V300) took a fall today, and has stopped working. I was planning to use it to print out some time-sensitive applications I'd like to send before I leave for Vermont tomorrow (I'll be gone a week and a half).

I have know way to know for certain, but I figure there's a good chance the hard drive is still good, and that the files can be recovered. I don't know whether it can be plugged in to just any computer, or whether it has a special interface. If I want to plug this drive into a desktop machine, what sort of drive controller and cable would I need?

Also, does anyone know someone who has this exact model of computer? (It has a WPI AV Department tag on it, but I got it from a reputable source so I'm guessing that a bunch of them were sold to WPI students and staff at some point.) Perhaps the least painful way to salvage this situation would be to boot another V300 off this drive, then use Windows XP's native tools to make a backup of all my files and settings that I could then transfer to whatever computer I end up replacing this one with (though how I'll replace it with no money I don't know).

I promised naweiner a report on last night's "Bring Your Cynical Friend Night" open house at the Boston Shambhala Center.

I met lagaz and kaiwoklaw in Brookline Village, and we made our way over to the center at about 6:45. Sitting meditation began at 7... I went to the main shrine room to sit, while they went to the small shrine room for meditation instruction.

At the end of the sitting period we all gathered in the main shrine room for the talk and discussion. I was surprised at how full the room was - when the people came in from the small shrine room, it was necessary to set up about a dozen extra chairs and meditation cushions to accommodate all of them. Apparently the Wednesday open house is thriving - Adam Lobel opened his talk by saying that the group seems to be developing into a community. He also asked who was there because of "Bring Your Cynical Friend Night." I think six to eight people raised their hands, including the three of us.

The subject of his talk was how and why we open ourselves up to receive teachings. To explain how we can open ourselves up, he invited us to contemplate the first two of the "four thoughts that turn the mind toward the dharma," also known as the "four reminders." The first reminder is the preciousness of human existence - contemplating this means cultivating an appreciation of the richness of our lives and experience. The second is the reality of death - contemplating this means facing the fact that we must at some point let go of everything in our lives, all our hopes and fears, whether or not we choose to do so. As for why we must open ourselves up, it is quite simply that by sticking to our usual pattern of constantly rehashing the past and planning for the future, we numb ourselves to what is actually happening in the present, and as a result we "miss our lives."

After the formal talk, we rearranged in a circle for a discussion period. Members of the group offered real-life examples of genuine appreciation; of death and destruction; and of things that, like the dharma, cannot not be mastered intellectually but rather require giving up on being in control and simply opening up to experience. I found some of these quite striking.

We got out shortly after 9:00, which confirms the impression I had during the talk that it was running longer than is usual for the open house. (The web site says the event runs from 7:00-8:30.)

So, my cynical friends lagaz and kaiwoklaw, what did you come away with from the evening's events?

The science fair was very cool indeed. I hope I didn't judge too harshly - I didn't check off anything higher than "average" on my judging form unless the project actually seemed better than most in the category in question. That's what I was told to do, so it should be OK as long as most of the other judges also followed the directions properly.

I got email recently from a company I had bought a book from through amazon.com. The company specializes in selling education-related books to teachers. They complained that I had given them a four star rating, which is "a killer on Amazon. It keeps customers away." They wanted to know what they'd done wrong to get such a low rating.

I replied telling them that a 4 is not a low rating, it is the second highest rating I could give. I bought one book from them once, and had no problem. If I gave my highest rating for that, I'd have no way to recognize sellers who really distinguished themselves. If buyers are giving 5 star ratings willy-nilly to everyone they do business with who doesn't give them a problem, I'd say it's they who are doing something wrong. What's the point of having five different possible ratings if you treat them as "bad," "bad," "bad," "bad," and "acceptable?" If that was the aim, the rating system should only have two possible ratings. I told the booksellers that what they were doing "wrong" was catering to educators, who care about and give thought to the sensible use of grading systems.

I've had many eBay sellers call me a "Terrific eBayer A+++++++++" simply because I paid my bill, so thinking that high praise should be difficult to earn apparently puts me outside the mainstream. At least eBay has the sense not to have five different official ratings, or they'd probably have the same problem Amazon has. It wouldn't be acceptable to rate someone merely "good." Only a rating of "outstanding in their excellence" would be considered positive.

I'm still planning to go to the Rhode Island Science and Engineering Fair this Saturday morning, so if any of you would like to join me for that, get in touch. You don't have to be cynical for this one, just geeky enough to enjoy going to a science fair.

Every Wednesday evening at 7:00, the Boston Shambhala Center has an open house... a half hour of sitting meditation (with meditation instruction available for those who want it) followed by a talk by one of the center's teachers. Each week the talk is on a different topic.

I haven't been attending the open house talks recently, but I laughed out loud for about five minutes when I read the topic of next Wednesday's talk - "Bring your cynical friend night.*" This is too good to pass up, so if anyone reading this thinks that accompanying me to a meditation center for a dharma talk would be a waste of time, you're invited to come with me on March 15^th. Let me know if you're interested, and I'll contact you via email.


*When I attended the open house regularly a couple of years ago, typical topics were things like "the four noble truths" or "cultivating loving-kindness." The teacher obviously was in a silly mood when he chose next week's topic.

buddhagrrl's entry about finding Buddhadharma in Bahai writings reminded me of one of my favorite Catholic writings. Though hardly obscure, it remains very dear to me. The author was clearly a bodhisattva.

Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi:

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love.
Where there is injury, pardon,
Where there is doubt, faith,
Where there is despair, hope,
Where there is darkness, light,
And where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled, as to console;
To be understood, as to understand;
To be loved, as to love;
For it is in giving that we receive,
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned
And it is in dying to self that we are born to eternal life.

One of my family's pet cats died today. He had been getting sick more and more often lately, and my mother finally decided to have him put down rather than let him go on like that.

His name was Inky, and I miss him. I could make a list of little things that made him special to me, but I think it's enough just to say that he was special to me.

My heart is full of love, and my eyes are full of tears. Good bye, my friend.

This semester was intense. My teaching practicum course was almost overwhelmingly challenging, and I learned quite a lot as a result. The highlight of my semester was a three-week assignment in which I taught an honors physics class at Cranston High School West. Next semester I do student teaching, a semester-long teaching assignment. The good news is that it's 15 times as much classroom teaching as practicum, so I should learn a lot more. The bad news is also that it's 15 times as much. I don't expect to be able to do anything other than school work next semester.

My Mac is on the fritz. I've only managed to get my work done these past couple of weeks by going to my brother's house almost every night to use his computer. This simply will not do.

By any chance do any of you have an old computer, preferably a notebook, you're willing to let go free or very cheap? Or have a suggestion of where I could find one?

Pretty much any machine that'll run Microsoft Word will do for my current needs.

[update 10/17/2004: Mac is fixed and kaiwoklaw sold me an old Compaq Armada! Yar!]

I've got a year to go in school, and I've already planned out my course of studies, as well as many outside activities. In the past I've put such an emphasis on spontaneity and flexibility of options that it feels odd to plan ahead even in the medium-term like this. It's definitely overdue, though. Trying to keep too many options open has often prevented me from getting things accomplished.

This semester I've got my teaching practicum course and a course on including special-ed students in an integrated classroom. I'm also doing senior-level thermodynamics and some physics research as independent-study projects. In my copious spare time I'm planning to take the first cycle of Shambhala School of Buddhist Studies courses at the Boston Shambhala Center, as well as volunteering as staff for Shambhala Training Heart of Warriorship levels there, and attending another Kado workshop.

If all goes well, next semester student-teaching will be the whole of my college curriculum. If I have the time, I'll take the second cycle of SSBS classes and staff more Shambhala Training levels.

After graduation, I somehow have to juggle finding a job and getting away to do the extended meditation programs I'd like to do during the summer.

Somehow during all this I've got to remember to have a social life, too. I didn't manage that very well this past year.

This is certainly going to be an interesting (and busy) year for me.

School started back up yesterday, though I'm not up to a full load yet since only one class has met so far. It's good to be back.

In the past month I got a lot done. I read some of the books in my "waiting to be read" stack. I also bought more new books, so that the stack is bigger now than when I started.

I did a few household construction jobs for my mother, and one for my brother.

I spent a week on a meditation retreat in Vermont, which helped my perspective enormously.

I went to Maine to visit z_gryphon, who I hadn't seen in quite a while.

I watched more television than is healthy.

I took an introductory course in Kado, which is a meditative practice of flower arranging.

I finally got around to clearing out the storage room. I'm going to use it for meditation, exercise, and Kado.

I didn't get as much done in any of these areas as I might have liked (except TV - I think I got plenty of that), but it was a productive month overall. I'm relaxed and energized, ready to get back to work at school.

My emergency gaming kit has gone missing! It's possible that I left it behind after visiting someone in the past couple of months. It's a little purple bag stuffed with games (which I really can't afford to replace right now). It has a tag with my name and email address on it. Here's a picture of a bag just like it:

Help?

[Update: Found! Apparently I put it down in an empty corner of a storage room immediately prior to putting a mountain of cruft into that same corner. No wonder I couldn't find it. Thanks for the help looking for it.]

Last night for the first time this semester I felt like I had a little breathing room, where I could do whatever I wanted without worrying about missing a school deadline or reneging on a commitment.

I drove to Worcester and joined in the Friday night gaming in the Wedge. I saw some of the WPI folks for the first time in months, met some new ones, played Light Speed for a couple of hours, and generally had a good time without feeling guilty about it.

That was refreshing. Now to get back to work.

One of the guys in my physics class thinks I look like the inventor of statistical mechanics, Ludwig Boltzmann. What do you think?

Hooray, it's my birthday! For my present, I've given myself a crisis. I really have been wasting too much time when I should be studying. Unfortunately, complaining about it only makes the problem worse. I'm off to do my homework now. I've got three exams this week, and I'm not fully prepared for them.

OK, I'm stressed, I'm sick, I'm sleepy, and I'm thinking about physics. This can't lead anywhere good.

I'm going to bed now, where I will probably lie awake trying to figure out whether sleep is going to come over me like a wave or like a particle.

Tuesday was the first day of classes. I meant to mention it here, but I couldn't find the time to do it. Couldn't on Wednesday either. Shouldn't be posting here now, for that matter. I'm excited to be back in school, but I'm slightly worried about whether I'll be able to keep up with all my classes and still keep all the weekend commitments I've made for the upcoming months. I think I made too many of them.

Hopefully things will seem a little saner next week when my schedule is finalized and I'm only attending and trying to keep up with 18 credit hours of classes instead of 24.

I've seen a lot of dumb stuff this week. If I decided to rant I could make quite a list, but although that might be entertaining, I don't think it'd be for the best.

Right at this moment, I'm trying to wind down from the adrenaline rush of the frustrating thing that happened this afternoon. I'd like to calm down enough to write a coherent letter to the professor I'd like to advise my MQP.

OK, writing this has calmed me down enough to realize that it will make more sense for me to go to the gym now and do my aerobic exercise before writing the letter rather than after as I had planned. That will help me stop obsessing about the details of this afternoon's dumbness. I'll now log out and go do that. :)

Back in July I visited the Rhode Island College Records Office to enroll as a non-matriculating student for this Fall. They had me fill out a form, and told me to expect the information I'd need to register for courses (a user ID and password for their web site) in the mail.

Fine. I knew that registration for non-matriculating students didn't begin until late August so I went about my business, which included leaving home for two weeks. I expected it to be waiting for me when I got back.

It wasn't waiting for me when I got back. I decided I'd wait some more for it, but as the days went by this week I started to worry about it. Course registration is drawing near (heck, classes start in a week and a half). Every day, nothing from them in the mail.

Today I got fed up. I drove to RIC, and went in to the Records Office, and got them to look up all the information I'd need and hand it to me in person. It turns out that my sense of timing for this is just right, because as I suspected my registration period starts Monday morning.

The RIC Records Office's sense of timing on the other hand is only comedically right. When I got home this evening, the letter was waiting on the table, apparently having arrived minutes after I left to find out why it hadn't shown up. It seems that their policy is to sit on paperwork for weeks, then act on it at the last moment so that the slightest problem will result in it arriving too late to be useful. This is a bad sign. I'll have to keep this in mind when dealing with them in the future. Come to think of it, a friend tried to warn me about RIC bureaucracy. I should listen better to stuff like that.

You get the feeling that Eris is bitchy. --More--

Yesterday I spent a long time carefully crafting a message to post to livejournal, only to have the computer I was using die of a hard drive failure just as I got the message into its final form for posting.

Today, on a different computer, I spent an even longer time writing and re-writing another (unrelated) such message, only to have the computer lock up just as I had the message in its final form for posting. At least this one didn't take a hard disk out with it. (If it had, I wouldn't be able to write this - I don't have a third computer on hand.)

If you're reading this message, it's only because I haven't spent enough time working on it for it to be worthwhile for the technology gods to strike it down.

This hasn't been a secret, but I haven't gone out of my way to tell people about it either until now.

My plan for the upcoming year is to try to finish my B.S. in physics at WPI. I've already checked with the physics department, and they have no objection to awarding me the degree if I complete the 2 units of work I had remaining when I left the Institute. My current plan is to attend Rhode Island College this Fall to get into the swing of things again (and to make sure that I really am capable of functioning as a full-time college student before I lay down $14,000 on tuition to WPI). If all goes well there, and assuming I can find advisors for my projects, I'll be a full time student at WPI in the Spring, on track to graduate with the Class of 2004 in May. Hot dog!

I'm a little bit intimidated by the idea, but I'm going ahead anyway. Wish me luck!

I spent a week on the staff of a meditation retreat this month. I'd been told that one of the duties of the staff is to remain mindful of everything we do, as a reminder and example for the participants. It struck me as odd to be in such a role, as I do not consider myself to be a shining example. I guess I didn't give much thought to the effect my state of mind has on the people around me. Society has conditioned me to care more about what I do than about the state of my mind as I do it.

During the week though it seemed to me that when I started to get distracted or to let my worries guide my actions, other people tended to become distracted and confused as well. It seemed almost as if we were feeding off of each other's mental and emotional energy. I suppose I could be reading too much in to things. A lot was going on that week. Still, it's food for thought.

Back in March, I attended a talk by Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche. He talked about many things, but I was struck by one seemingly minor point. He said that one way to stay motivated in the practice of meditation is to remember that you're doing it to help other people. This was not the way I was used to thinking about it. In a way the idea seems far-fetched - meditation is not a social activity. Still, if I'm inadvertently transmitting my mental states to those around me, learning to stabilize my mind would undoubtedly benefit them as well as myself.

I wonder if it's true. I think on some level I want it to be true. I guess I'll have to be careful to avoid fooling myself into believing it for just that reason.

So, mikecap's got folks talking about pizza, and it's stirring up cravings.

Anybody up for a trip to Providence for pizza this weekend? I want to get a cheese pizza from Caserta Pizzeria.

OK, so livejournal's spell checker doesn't know certain proper nouns. The alternatives it suggests are rather evocative, however...

gweepnet: weaponed, warpaint, viewpoint, gunpoint
livejournal: livingly, lovingly, longingly, laughingly

Then again, I suppose I have to consider the source. :)

I just got back from a week-long meditation retreat, and decided to catch up on what's been posted to gweepnet while I was away. It turns out that folks have been practicing aggressive corresponence again.

So I figured I'd see if there's any opportunity for better communication here.

I'm wondering what to do about the shouting matches people keep having on gweepnet. I'd like to do something that will reduce the amount of aggression and misunderstanding going on there, but I'm at a loss.